Like Your Work

From the article by Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft Corporation. Inspired by the parody Translation From PR-Speak to English of Selected Portions of Macrovision CEO Fred Amoroso’s Response to Steve Jobs’s ‘Thoughts on Music’

For centuries people assumed that economic growth resulted from the interplay between capital and labor. Today we know that these elements are outweighed by a single critical factor: innovation.

Please, I need more cheap workers whose ideas I can patent and copyright.

Innovation is the source of U.S. economic leadership and the foundation for our competitiveness in the global economy. Government investment in research, strong intellectual property laws and efficient capital markets are among the reasons that America has for decades been best at transforming new ideas into successful businesses.

I’ve freeloaded off tax-payer funded ideas from government research and students for a long time. Don’t cut me off now.

The most important factor is our workforce. Scientists and engineers trained in U.S. universities — the world’s best — have pioneered key technologies such as the microprocessor, creating industries and generating millions of high-paying jobs.

Not as high as me, of course, ha! Also not as high-paying as the lawyers, MBAs, lobbyists and advertising folks make here at Microsoft. Man, are they expensive! But in order to actually make something, I need a continual supply of cheap, replaceable coders, IT, and geek-lackeys. So hit those books!

But our status as the world’s center for new ideas cannot be taken for granted. Other governments are waking up to the vital role innovation plays in competitiveness.

My Redmond researchers are playing way too much Solitaire and Minesweeper. That’s why I opened up multiple research centers in China and India several years ago. Why should I invest my money in producing more slackers! Hey Americans, pay your own way! In China, my research center can grant college degrees and they work for me for free! I am their God.

This is not to say that the growing economic importance of countries such as China and India is bad. On the contrary, the world benefits as more people acquire the skills needed to foster innovation. But if we are to remain competitive, we need a workforce that consists of the world’s brightest minds.

Who’s gonna maintain and upgrade my home network? Do you know how long it takes to fly in IT support from the Far East? I’d move overseas in a heartbeat, but their taxes are so damn high. And their immigration laws are strict!

Two steps are critical. First, we must demand strong schools so that young Americans enter the workforce with the math, science and problem-solving skills they need to succeed in the knowledge economy. We must also make it easier for foreign-born scientists and engineers to work for U.S. companies.

American schools are day-care centers for thumb-sucking slackers. Just open up the borders so I can hire more PhDs for $5/hour. Quit yer whining about it and put that thumb back in your mouth. I’ve got work to do.

Education has always been the gateway to a better life in this country, and our primary and secondary schools were long considered the world’s best. But on an international math test in 2003, U.S. high school students ranked 24th out of 29 industrialized nations surveyed.

That’s why I dropped out of Harvard. Screw school. Everyone knows that its the go-getter, drop-out that makes an American success story. School is for sheep, but sheep are cheap.

Our schools can do better. Last year, I visited High Tech High in San Diego; it’s an amazing school where educators have augmented traditional teaching methods with a rigorous, project-centered curriculum. Students there know they’re expected to go on to college. This combination is working: 100 percent of High Tech High graduates are accepted into college, and 29 percent major in math or science. Contrast that with the national average of 17 percent.

I’ve got to keep my next-gen staffing plan on-track for Microsoft. Now if I could only perfect cloning and brain downloads, they wouldn’t have to go through the tedious 17 year re-education and indoctrination process.I love being a geek. So should you. Just forget that accountants lost less in salary than geeks, or that most MIT engineers recommend their children NOT study science and engineering, or that you’ll get no respect, or that strictly technical jobs are becoming obsolete. Do it for the love of the work. And my bank account.

To remain competitive in the global economy, we must build on the success of such schools and commit to an ambitious national agenda for education. Government and businesses can both play a role. Companies must advocate for strong education policies and work with schools to foster interest in science and mathematics and to provide an education that is relevant to the needs of business. Government must work with educators to reform schools and improve educational excellence.

That’s why I hire mostly from overseas and Canadian schools.

American competitiveness also requires immigration reforms that reflect the importance of highly skilled foreign-born employees. Demand for specialized technical skills has long exceeded the supply of native-born workers with advanced degrees, and scientists and engineers from other countries fill this gap.

Ah, now the shit part of the shit sandwich. These folks work twice as hard for half the pay!

This issue has reached a crisis point. Computer science employment is growing by nearly 100,000 jobs annually. But at the same time studies show that there is a dramatic decline in the number of students graduating with computer science degrees.

Look, I’ve got buildings named after me at several American universities. I need more of you to fight over the dwindling programming jobs in order to lower my labor costs everywhere in the world.

The United States provides 65,000 temporary H-1B visas each year to make up this shortfall — not nearly enough to fill open technical positions.

My lobbyists are slackers too. I’m trying to be the world’s first trillionaire. That’s my plan. Think of it: first trillionaire! Wake up people! For God’s sake, it’s like Sputnik: the first trillionaire has got to be an American. I’m your best bet.

Permanent residency regulations compound this problem. Temporary employees wait five years or longer for a green card. During that time they can’t change jobs, which limits their opportunities to contribute to their employer’s success and overall economic growth.

Last year, reform on this issue stalled as Congress struggled to address border security and undocumented immigration. As lawmakers grapple with those important issues once again, I urge them to support changes to the H-1B visa program that allow American businesses to hire foreign-born scientists and engineers when they can’t find the homegrown talent they need. This program has strong wage protections for U.S. workers: Like other companies, Microsoft pays H-1B and U.S. employees the same high levels — levels that exceed the government’s prevailing wage.

Reforming the green card program to make it easier to retain highly skilled professionals is also necessary. These employees are vital to U.S. competitiveness, and we should welcome their contribution to U.S. economic growth.

We should also encourage foreign students to stay here after they graduate. Half of this country’s doctoral candidates in computer science come from abroad. It’s not in our national interest to educate them here but send them home when they’ve completed their studies.

But if they return, they can work at one of my many overseas research centers for a tenth of the price! Notice how I spent most of this article on hiring and retaining foreigners. Just throw some tax-payer funded chump change at our schools to keep the thumb-suckers fat and happy, but give me more cheap, smart labor. What a great country!

During the past 30 years, U.S. innovation has been the catalyst for the digital information revolution. If the United States is to remain a global economic leader, we must foster an environment that enables a new generation to dream up innovations, regardless of where they were born. Talent in this country is not the problem — the issue is political will.

Fucking lobbyists. They better get those politicians to open those borders soon. Papa needs more $5/hour programmers.